Is this insanity?
Feb. 7th, 2011 07:29 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
windemereI'm not really sure what happened in the last 10 minutes. I think it's what people mean when they say the world just tilted the wrong direction, but maybe I'm over dramatising. Or I've been reading the wrong books lately.
I warned you. There is nothing resembling coherent thought in the following. It's all reaction.
It's looking like my aunt is about to land on my doorstep (from Florida) for a couple of days because Fred Oliver died on Saturday and the funeral is Thursday and they are about the oldest family friends we have in the world. And I am quite clearly aware that the last time I saw my aunt I spent 8 hours on the verge of something between a panic attack and something closer to pure unadultered frustration. And, having gotten out of Florida, I had discovered that the idea of going there was one of the things stressing me out last month, and now that stress is gone. To be replaced...by the aunt.
It's not that I grudge her coming home for the funeral. I'm not at all surprised, actually, since it happens by chance to coincide with the week that her partner is flying back to Canada to see his grandkids anyways, so it's not like there's anything in Destin to keep her there (except that the weather finally got nice). It's the kind of thing she does, to suddenly get on a plane and fly across a continent for a funeral. She did it last September too, when Todd's nephew died. And I'm grateful, in a purely selfish way, because the idea of going to the funeral on my own was sort of in the neighbourhood of terrifying, because most of the people that will be there were probably at my grandmother's funeral almost exactly 6 years ago and that's still hitting a little close for comfort.
Which is another point, because February is Not A Good Month for this family and especially my aunt and another funeral may make things worse. And I have a fair amount of work this week (though not on the day of the funeral...by chance? fate?) and I'm leaving for Ottawa Saturday at dawn. So, as I started this post, I think this is what it feels like to have the world suddenly tilt sideways.
It's strangely exciting, which possibly scares me more than anything. I also find out about grad school this week and if the answer is 'no' and my aunt is here I'm pretty sure my carefully crafted air of 'I don't care, it was the backup plan' will be less easy to fake.
I sort of feel a little bit like I'm in shock right now. And totally to blame is my recent book reading choices. I totally saw dreadful consequences coming when I started. This...I didn't quite expect.
I warned you. There is nothing resembling coherent thought in the following. It's all reaction.
It's looking like my aunt is about to land on my doorstep (from Florida) for a couple of days because Fred Oliver died on Saturday and the funeral is Thursday and they are about the oldest family friends we have in the world. And I am quite clearly aware that the last time I saw my aunt I spent 8 hours on the verge of something between a panic attack and something closer to pure unadultered frustration. And, having gotten out of Florida, I had discovered that the idea of going there was one of the things stressing me out last month, and now that stress is gone. To be replaced...by the aunt.
It's not that I grudge her coming home for the funeral. I'm not at all surprised, actually, since it happens by chance to coincide with the week that her partner is flying back to Canada to see his grandkids anyways, so it's not like there's anything in Destin to keep her there (except that the weather finally got nice). It's the kind of thing she does, to suddenly get on a plane and fly across a continent for a funeral. She did it last September too, when Todd's nephew died. And I'm grateful, in a purely selfish way, because the idea of going to the funeral on my own was sort of in the neighbourhood of terrifying, because most of the people that will be there were probably at my grandmother's funeral almost exactly 6 years ago and that's still hitting a little close for comfort.
Which is another point, because February is Not A Good Month for this family and especially my aunt and another funeral may make things worse. And I have a fair amount of work this week (though not on the day of the funeral...by chance? fate?) and I'm leaving for Ottawa Saturday at dawn. So, as I started this post, I think this is what it feels like to have the world suddenly tilt sideways.
It's strangely exciting, which possibly scares me more than anything. I also find out about grad school this week and if the answer is 'no' and my aunt is here I'm pretty sure my carefully crafted air of 'I don't care, it was the backup plan' will be less easy to fake.
I sort of feel a little bit like I'm in shock right now. And totally to blame is my recent book reading choices. I totally saw dreadful consequences coming when I started. This...I didn't quite expect.
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Date: 2011-02-08 01:01 am (UTC)Seriously, having just been to two funerals, one of which was my Father's, the whole idea of one frightens me. And I really don't want to spend time with my family just now either.
Yes, it's what it feels like when the world tilts sideways.
Take a deep breath and just try very hard to get through it all and out the other side. Maybe things will level off at that point.
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Date: 2011-02-08 01:21 am (UTC)Thank you and *hugs*.
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Date: 2011-02-08 01:32 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2011-02-08 01:37 am (UTC)