Because I've been meaning to do this for ages...

[windemere]

Things I learned from reading all those damn LOTR angst fics for the past 5 years:


1)Newton's 3 Laws of Motion:
a)For every action there is an equal and opposite disaster.
b)Rock/mud slides set in motion will remain in motion. No matter how many elves/rangers get in the way.
c)The force at which an arrow impacts its target is equal to the speed at which it was shot, multiplied by how pissed off the one shooting it is.
2)If the twins are hunting, anyone within 100 mile vicinity will be drawn into an orc attack, where one or more of the twins will be injured.
3)Legolas or Aragorn will be within that 100 mile radius.
4)Though a nameless traveler can walk across the mountains without encountering anyone else, if Elladan, Elrohir, Aragorn or Legolas attempt it, they will be attacked by orcs.
5)When Elladan, Elrohir, Aragorn, Legolas, Glorfindel, Thranduil or Elrond step foot outside the borders of Rivendell, any orc horde within a 100 miles will attack them within a day.
6)Orc arrows, scimitars, spears, etc. will be poisoned.
7)Elrond will never enjoy a peaceful holiday.
8)Glorfindel will always get dragged into any mess his lord’s sons create.
9)Glorfindel is only a white knight riding to the rescue on his blazing horse in the books.
10)If Legolas and Aragorn are traveling together, anywhere in Middle-earth, one or both will end up injured, lost, alone, and far from help.
11)Small towns in the middle of nowhere are the last place you want to be.
12)It will always snow three weeks before you expect it.
13)If Aragorn is injured by orcs, they will always use some new and unknown poison that Elrond has never heard of.
14)Aragorn will always come within an inch of death before the cure is found.
15)If the cure can only be found in Lórien, then the Golden Wood will never be more days travel away than then the person dying has to live; be it three days or seven.
16)When five-year-old Estel runs away from home because he thinks his ada doesn’t love because he is human, he will end up injured and lost in the woods.
17)The Redhorn pass is filled with hidden orc hordes: Future Kings of Men and Sons of Elrond take note.
18)Cliffs should be avoided at all costs.
19)As should rivers.
20)And caves.
21)And, especially, any areas frequented by wolves or wargs.
22)The Trollshaws contain Trolls.
23)Trolls are only stupid in Bilbo’s adventures.
24)There will never be enough bandages.
25)Athelas heals everything; if you can find it.
26)Twins mean double the trouble.
27)Aragorn is a magnet for disaster. As is Legolas, Elladan and Elrohir. Acknowledge it, accept it, and move on.
28)If someone is injured, and the only place they can be healed is Lórien, the Golden Wood will not be more than a week’s travel away; be it from Rivendell or Mirkwood.
29)Beatings, cave-ins, falls, etc. lead to broken ribs that lead to punctured lungs.
30)Any enemies that Elrond has made in the 6500 years he’s been alive will only show up within the 18 years that Aragorn is living in Rivendell. And they will always go after Estel.
31)Elves do fall out of trees. So do Rangers.
32)Any plan Legolas or Aragorn comes up with will inevitably fail completely.
33)And most of the ones the twins come up with will fail as well.
34)Elrond’s foresight will be useless whenever he needs it most.
35)Nothing good can come of a trip into the South.
36)Nature is a force that should not be reckoned with.
37)If curiosity can kill a creature as intelligent as a cat; it can certainly wipe out a trouble-seeking elf and ranger.
38)If it looks like an enemy stronghold, it probably is.
39)The good guys can be shot just as often as the bad guys. In the case of Legolas and Aragorn, it’s usually more often.
40)The north of Middle-earth should be avoided at all costs. As should the south. In simple words: stay away from Mordor and Angmar.
41)Deserted villages are never deserted.

Comments

[grav-ity.livejournal.com]

And the question now becomes how many of those rules have you personally complied with?

[eldanna.livejournal.com]

Shush.

[surgicalsteel.livejournal.com]

*snerk*

Hilarious!

[eldanna.livejournal.com]

Glad you enjoyed. I was going through old folders and stumbled upon it. No idea why I never posted it back when I originally WROTE it, but I'll chalk it up to forgetfulness.

[shirebound]

This is hysterical!