The Lying Game

[windemere]

This post is brought to you by a warning label: Don't read me!

Today I realised what a great liar I am. In theory, as well as practice, I knew this already, but only for certain things. I know, for instance, that I lie so naturally that I've usually told a lie to someone before it even occurs to me to tell the truth. It's not something I'm proud of, I hope you realise, but it is how I am. It's a product of my family, my upbringing, and an overwhelming need to appear normal and accepted by other people. And also a product of the fact that the truth usually sends people running the other way. It's a very fine line most times, but the people who inevitably tell you they never lie are, of course, lying through their teeth when they say it. No one is perfect. I tend to lie to make other people think I am, though; again, for the sake of being accepted.

As I said, it's an acknowledged character flaw. I get it.

Today was not a 'happy thesis day'. I spent the morning pissed off at myself for not doing any work yesterday and doubly annoyed that I couldn't seem to concentrate enough to work today, either. Despite the fact my flatmate didn't wake me up last night for the first time in a week, I seemed even more annoyed with her today then since she moved in, for no apparent reason. I got up on the wrong side of the bed [there's only one side], I know this. However, I had a meeting this morning where I had to put on a smile and realistically gush about the university, the phd and the museum studies department. And I did it all without stopping for even an instant to realise that, this morning, I didn't feel like gushing about any of those things, except how miserable I actually felt when I woke up. But I didn't. I lied like it was second nature.

And it is. Two years of working in a retail store where all I wanted to do was take a crystal vase and kill the customer and yet I was told time and again, by customers and staff, that I was the most pleasant individual possible; that I was always polite and well spoken and however did I find such a high level of patience? Two years, and those people didn't know me AT ALL.

Which is sort of my point. I guess that was the test that I didn't realise I'd taken (or passed) which was brought home to me this morning. I'm a great liar. My problem is, I'm even better at lying to myself.

Which is not even a character flaw. It's a disaster. I guess everyone has to be good at something.

Yes, I'm still on the wrong side of the bed and it's 7pm. If this bloody paper wasn't 4000 words longer than I wanted it to be, I'd be in a much better mood. But it's Tuesday and it's still February, so my mood still wouldn't be that good.

Grateful for: Graze (I think I'm repeating), beans on toast and slate tiles. And I don't have to explain myself.

Comments

[zaftig46.livejournal.com]

Isn't that just a coping skill, though? I mean I get what you mean about it being glib and inauthentic, but as long as at some point, you are honest (to yourself and/or someone else) that you feel/think x,y, or z, then it's fine. I was always reprimanded growing up (and probably would still be today if my family were nearer) for letting my feelings show instead of smoothing things over with politeness as is socially acceptable. I don't do that very well - no poker face for me! And indeed, I had massive falling out with people at my alma mater because I let them know that I didn't like them quite as much as they thought I should like them. Being forthright ain't so great, either, kiddo.

[eldanna.livejournal.com]

I suppose I can see that. I would have pretended your alma mater 'friends' were awesome though and that I loved them, and then really regreted it. But I tend to go out of my way to make people like me, which is what growing up as an only children surrounded entirely by adults and parents who would introduce me to friends they thought it was okay for me to like gets you.

[zaftig46.livejournal.com]

I did for a while, because I thought that pretending would make it true. But it didn't, so I stopped.

I'm an only child who grew up with only adults, too. Plus, I was raised (at home and at school) with the paranoia that I had to try extra hard to be just as good as everyone else, and that everyone would hate me by default and that the veneer of sociability was only as deep as my niceness to them in the first place. But, being the ornery person I am, I decided, 'screw it'. People will misinterpret you no matter what. I don't think I come across to strangers as super friendly and nice, but I hope I am not evil and surly either. Only recently have I been able to meet more than a handful of people who take me as I really am without loading me with lots of expectations that I have to live up to.

[eldanna.livejournal.com]

I mean this in all seriousness then: I aspire to be you. I wish I could say 'screw it', but every time I say I don't care, I end up caring and worrying and being concerned what other people think and then I go right back to being a people pleaser again!

[zaftig46.livejournal.com]

I shudder to think that anyone aspires to be me. It's all about balance. You can't be callous, but to turn yourself inside out for others is wrong, too.

[eldanna.livejournal.com]

Personally, I do think you have a good balance.

[zaftig46.livejournal.com]

Well, maybe in the sense that I don't hide it when people piss me off. But I certainly have other ways of people-pleasing, and it is my major motivation. I only realised it recently, when a friend said that a colleague's major motivation was money, and I thought about what mine was - and it was getting people to like me. I have a sad weakness for trying to befriend people who are emotionally distant and bitchy - it's like if I get their approval, then I prove I am the bestest! And I have a saviour complex; oh, you want me to do this really massive thing in two days for no pay? Abso-fucking-lutely! Because I love praise and gratitude. (Clearly, I didn't receive enough parental affection as a child, or something.)
And now you know too much about me, and I will have to kill you. ;-p

[eldanna.livejournal.com]

I think I can safely save my motivations in life revolve around wanting praise. Hell, I write fic I want people to review...definitely praise over money that's for sure.

Oh, not worry; I keep other people's secrets better than my own! ;) But if you want to put me out of my paper writing misery...

[zaftig46.livejournal.com]

Haha, nice try! ;-)

[eldanna.livejournal.com]

Worth a shot.

3500 words to go...