windemere | Seventh Circle of Hell

I made a decision last week that had, in the very far back of my mind in some tiny little corner, been brewing for a while. One of those things you think about without really thinking you're thinking about it. But in a spur of the moment decision - because it wasn't going to be any other way - I jumped onto a bandwagon that I have spent 3 years laughing hysterically at people for. I knew I'd regret it almost immediately, and I wasn't proved wrong, but what I didn't know - what I am going to Hell for - is the fact that I don't mind.

I read the Twilight 'Saga'. I put 'Saga' in quote marks, because the definition of a saga isn't anywhere near what Stephanie Meyer thinks it is, but that's what it's called.

[I advise you to stop reading now, for everyone's sake.]

I knew, before I opened page one, roughly what I was getting myself in for. I knew they were some of the worst written, most awkwardly plotted books ever written (in any genre) and that nearly every page was going to be cringe worthy. And there were a lot of pages. I baulked a bit when I got to the library and saw the four of them lined up on the shelf. Seriously? The shortest one is 500 pages! It's like Harry Potter except not even remotely. But I started reading. And then I finished Twilight on day one, New Moon on day two, Eclipse on Day three and, because of having to actually leave my house to DO THINGS, Breaking Dawn on day four and five.

I will not 'review the books'. That would be abjectly pointless on too many levels to name. The main reason, I feel, is that the books sucked (NO PUN INTENDED) and it would be a waste of everyone's time. If you've read them, you know. If you haven't, spare yourself the agony and don't. This did not at all surprise me. I expected to loath them all. I expected the fact that most of New Moon is Bella moping about Edward being gone. I expected that Jacob wasn't nearly as awesome as 12 year old girls think he is. I expected the bad writing and the really predictable plot 'twists' (although that's a rather over-generous word). I expected page after page of barely being able to read with one eye open, and squinting at that. But I'm not writing this insane lj post for those reasons. Those are obvious and valid reasons.

Rather, I'm writing this because I discovered three unexpected things that not only was I not looking for, but they absolutely destroyed my psyche for the last 5 days. Less because of what they are and almost entirely because they are three things I actually like about these books. That, is therapy inducing. The three things include 2 parts each: the book and the movie.

1) Book: Volterra/Volteri. I can get behind 'vampire royalty'. It's one of my many adoring things of True Blood, even when I'm screaming at various kings and queens. I like the idea. I like the fact that vampires need some sort of higher power that makes the laws and enforces them. It's a very civilised notion. And the fact that it's Volterra appeals six ways to Sunday to my Etruscan obsession. Even when I was contemplating six ways to Sunday to dismember Jane.
Movie: as soon as I finished the books I looked up the cast list. And discovered that our dear Chris was playing Marcus. So, naturally, despite swearing six ways to Sunday I would not watch the movies even on pain of death, I had to...obviously. It's Chris. And Michael Sheen. Honestly. Those were my two sole reasons. I had this notion in my head that watching the movies would put me off. That they would be so over the top stupid I'd go back to my hating everything Twilight in peace and be better off for it. Bugger Chris.

2) Book: Alice. Oh, Alice. You are my kind of vampire. You are the kind of vampire I would be if vampires existed and I figured out how to find one and get them to make me one. You have a power that is kind of cool and mostly useless, but you are bright and bubbly and have AWESOME CLOTHES.
Movie: I liked Ashley Greene. I think she was very much what I had in my head for Alice, which means I love her even more. It also makes me want to see Breaking Dawn x 2, because Alice is certainly at her best in the fourth book.

I hate myself more every word I type and it's about to get much worse.

3) Book:Somewhere about, oh let me think, the bottom of the first page the character appears on, I developed a crush on Carlisle. It's not surprising really. I'm sort of hysterically amused that of all the males in these books it's bloody Carlisle. At the same time, I'm not at all surprised. I mean, really, best sort of vampire ever. It got much much worse by the time I finished Eclipse.
Movie: I convinced myself before I even contemplated watching Twilight, that said watching was going to completely erase any trace of said crush. Peter Facinelli does not do blond nearly as awesomely as he does brunette. I took one look at the first movie photo I came across and went 'fantastic! there's the end of that!' But then, stupidly, I watched the movie. I'm not sure the seventh circle of hell is quite low enough. Is there a tenth? I am sort of terrified to watch movie 3 and 4 because how can it not make it worse? And I hate myself SO MUCH right now for this.

On the slightly less dire side, it could be worse.

It could have been Edward.

I'm going to go curl up into a little ball and cry for the innocence I lost 5 days ago.