In which I am apparently proved wrong.
Feb. 10th, 2011 02:42 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
windemereOkay, so I might have been a little off Monday night. To be fair to me, I was going on prior (recent) experience and I think that's a valid excuse. To be fair to my aunt, her moods can change on an hourly basis, much less a monthly basis.
The last two days I have been happy. My version of happy, which I know is less than most people's and involves a lot more things that fall under 'material' than is probably alright, but happy nonetheless. Since I expected to be miserable for 40 hours I'm pleasantly (gratefully) surprised.
It almost felt like life used to when I lived in east Oakville and Nana was still alive. It had that same sense of freedom and loving family and excitement. There were old friends and fantastic food and guilt free shopping and downtown Oakville and bitching about the weather and talk of travel and understanding and agreement and enjoyment of life. And now I'm terrified to ruin the whole thing by agreeing to go to Florida (which is back on...sort of).
I also understand that she wants me to come to Florida, if for no other reason than Todd is driving her around the bend and she wants someone else to spend time with. And that's a valid enough reason, I suppose. I love Todd and the pups and it could be a fun week. And I wouldn't need to spend much money. But I feel like it could all end in disaster and ruin what good there currently exists between the two of us. What good we've built in the last 2 days, and I realise that doesn't seem like much, but after last year it's a huge step in the right direction. I don't want to take one back now; not after everything. Not after December and family and falling outs and horrible letters and guilt trips and accusations. I don't want to go back because we've all been doing that for two years now and I'm really very tired of it. But is that a valid enough reason for me not to go? Not to at least try?
I swear that my waxing philisophical will all make sense soon. I've been reading and we all know that ends badly right? LOTR had me in a daydreaming mood and a 'I remember HS fondly' mood last week. This week? Well, onto a different series of books, can you tell? I probably shouldn't read that Stephen Hawking book next week. That could be disastrous.
The world tilted another 90*. I am still waiting to see if it tilts back.
The last two days I have been happy. My version of happy, which I know is less than most people's and involves a lot more things that fall under 'material' than is probably alright, but happy nonetheless. Since I expected to be miserable for 40 hours I'm pleasantly (gratefully) surprised.
It almost felt like life used to when I lived in east Oakville and Nana was still alive. It had that same sense of freedom and loving family and excitement. There were old friends and fantastic food and guilt free shopping and downtown Oakville and bitching about the weather and talk of travel and understanding and agreement and enjoyment of life. And now I'm terrified to ruin the whole thing by agreeing to go to Florida (which is back on...sort of).
I also understand that she wants me to come to Florida, if for no other reason than Todd is driving her around the bend and she wants someone else to spend time with. And that's a valid enough reason, I suppose. I love Todd and the pups and it could be a fun week. And I wouldn't need to spend much money. But I feel like it could all end in disaster and ruin what good there currently exists between the two of us. What good we've built in the last 2 days, and I realise that doesn't seem like much, but after last year it's a huge step in the right direction. I don't want to take one back now; not after everything. Not after December and family and falling outs and horrible letters and guilt trips and accusations. I don't want to go back because we've all been doing that for two years now and I'm really very tired of it. But is that a valid enough reason for me not to go? Not to at least try?
I swear that my waxing philisophical will all make sense soon. I've been reading and we all know that ends badly right? LOTR had me in a daydreaming mood and a 'I remember HS fondly' mood last week. This week? Well, onto a different series of books, can you tell? I probably shouldn't read that Stephen Hawking book next week. That could be disastrous.
The world tilted another 90*. I am still waiting to see if it tilts back.
![[identity profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/openid.png){kind=small}
no subject
Date: 2011-02-10 07:57 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2011-02-10 09:19 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2011-02-10 09:20 pm (UTC)ETA: Are you in tonight? I would like to call and talk about my stupid idea (for the "play") to someone so that they can tell me I'm crazy and I can stop).
no subject
Date: 2011-02-11 02:32 am (UTC)